The Alternative Game Awards 2023
The end of another year is here and we’re all a little closer to the grave. How many more video games do you have left in you? Think about it. Today could be your last. Don’t make it a grind. Did you get a +4 helmet in Diablo today? Well, whoop dee doo. Stick it on your gravestone.
Video games can be anything (except for sustenance, a substitute for a personality, or the touch of a human) and we’re contractually obligated to celebrate everything they’ve achieved this year, despite game companies throwing most of their workers in the trash. Thank you, gaming executives, for all that you do.
While the Geoff Keighleys are just around the corner, it’s part of our tradition at GLHF to dole out some cool awards to cool people, away from corporate skullduggery and energy drink advertisements (please, website ads, don’t make me look stupid for saying that). So come with us as we highlight some of 2023’s top achievers in The Alternate Game Awards.
Best Parasite – Embracer Group
Embracer Group wins the coveted "Best Parasite" award at the GLHFs.
GLHF
Our award for a net negative contribution toward the games industry goes to Embracer Group, a corporate entity that buys up companies and poops them back out. We’ve all been there. Dave from down the street said he was going to give us half the money when he won the lottery, so with that guarantee in place, we used the extra money – the money we’d definitely have at some point in the future – to buy up dozens of companies. But what’s this? Dave is now saying he probably won’t win the lottery and we’re dumb dumbs. This is ridiculous. Well, at least it’s not us taking the hit – we’ll just cancel a bunch of projects and make 900 people redundant. Easy peasy, worker squeezy.
Best CEO Exit – John Riccitiello
Tfw you want more money.
GLHF
The evil has been defeated. Just thinking about Unity casually saying “We’re going to charge game developers every time someone installs a game” makes me cringe, but even worse was having to host the dead eyes of CEO John Riccitiello on our website. You’d look at the homepage and it’d be video game, video game, lizard man, video game, lizard man. A cursed ratio, if you ask me. At least he’s gone now. He can’t haunt my dreams anymore with that glassy stare.
Special Recognition Award for Transparency in the Gaming Industry – Microsoft & Sony
Thank you for giving us all insight into the high-level business strategy. It means we don't have to pretend we know what we're talking about anymore.
E3
The “will they, won’t they” that was the Xbox and ActiBlizz acquisition this year was a complete whirlwind. Just when you thought it had gone quiet, someone finds unredacted exhibits exposing confidential email exchanges, meeting notes, and presentations that laid bare Xbox’s strategy, financial estimates, and even acquisition targets. If that wasn’t enough, someone redacted some Sony documents with a black sharpie, making them easily readable once scanned. These included how much its first-party games cost to make as well as user habits around some of the biggest third-party games on the platform – one million PlayStation users only play Call of Duty! What is wrong with them? Anyway, the long and short is this: business journalists are still vibrating. For an industry that’s so secretive, Microsoft and Sony should be commended for their transparency.
I’m a Real Boy – The Day Before
The above screenshot isn't from The Division, so expect a game with no visual identity of its own (if it even exists).
The Day Before
You have to give the developers of The Day Before some credit. They managed to hoodwink the game onto the biggest video game site in the world – IGN – and now, presumably, everyone is just committed to the bit. The IGN First showcases keep coming, despite the fact the game is deeply suspect. Originally, the devs were like, “So, yeah, it’s DayZ, The Division, and Mudrunner all at the same time, and you can have a job, buy a house, and it’ll even do your dishes.” Now it looks like one of those fake mobile game adverts that inevitably turns out to be a match-three game where you line up gems. Then the release date for The Day Before came and went and the developers said there was some kind of trademark dispute. Now they’re saying it’s getting a beta before release. Oh, and the team is made up of volunteers, which is super, super cool and good and not-at-all exploitative. There are more red flags here than there are at a Spanish bullring. Every single time The Day Before is shown, it looks worse. If it is real, it’s going to be a brilliant disaster.
Friend of the Earth Award for Recycling – Call of Duty
All you need is a bar of Soap.
Activision.
Modern Warfare 3 is out and the multiplayer is the same as the last one, the maps are all from the old games and you’re going to buy it for $80 anyway.
Sex Sells – Baldur’s Gate 3
Grin and bear it.
Larian
Video game executives always take the wrong message away from a game’s success. We don’t need more battle royale games – the successful ones just hit the zeitgeist at the right time. People wanted shooters with brains, but now they’re all tuckered out and they want something fresh. As much as I’d love more publishers to take a punt on this type of RPG because of Baldur’s Gate 3’s massive success, we all know the real secret to Baldur’s Gate 3 was bear sex. More bear sex is the lesson we should take away from this. Make me the CEO of gaming. The light has gone from my eyes and everything – I’d be perfect.
Best Apology.jpg – Lord of the Rings Gollum
Gollum was never a character I'd imagine wanting to embody, but this game somehow made him even less appealing to play as.
Daedalic
This category is always hard-fought. I can’t see the color yellow anymore without thinking about CD Project Red apologizing for my cyberdude t-posing out of the roof of his cyber Bugatti. But this year saw a clear winner, thanks to Lord of the Rings: Gollum, a game where you control Gollum as he tells humans to flip switches, for some reason. Somehow, the publisher behind the game managed to do something even more embarrassing than the actual game by offering up a social media apology that was allegedly written by AI and spelled its own game name wrong – “The Lord of Ring: Gollum” will be forever etched into my mind.
The Jeff Reighley Indie Excellence Award – Baldur’s Gate 3
He's stroking his chin so it's definitely an indie.
Larian
The Game Awards are almost upon us, and that wouldn’t be complete without a controversial indie selection of nominees, many of which are owned by publishing powerhouses. Screw it, let’s just give it to Baldur’s Gate 3. That was a good game that I played. Thanks for inviting me on the jury.
Best E3 – Gamescom
E3 is dead. Long live E3.
Gamescom
Gamescom was the best E3. Summer Game Fest was pretty good, mind.
Most Tenuous TGA Celeb Obituary – Tina Turner
Best know for Lips TM and Singstar Legends TM.
The Twitter account behind The Game Awards loves to post video game news without crediting its sources. It’s a good way to get free engagement. You know another good way to get free engagement? Celebrity deaths. Simply co-opt some celebrity deaths and watch the sweet, sweet retweets roll in. The most egregious of these was for pop legend Tina Turner. Did you know her song "What's Love Got to Do With It" was featured in the Xbox karaoke game Lips, as well as Singstar Legends? Surely her crowning achievement.
My Uncle Works at Nintendo - GTA 6
GTA 6 is launching at some point between now and the heat death of the universe.
Rockstar
“The GTA 6 trailer is coming in June” – some guy. “The GTA 6 trailer is coming in October” – some guy. “The GTA 6 trailer is coming in November” – some guy. “The GTA 6 trailer is coming in December” – Sam Houser.
Best Face - Sam Lake
Just look at him. Art.
Remedy
It’s not a lake, it’s an ocean. I could be speaking about the famous final line from the original Alan Wake, but I’m not – I’m talking about Sam Lake’s dreamy eyes. Eyes you can’t help but slow-motion dive right into. Those piercing blue orbs that cut right through your soul. Those portals to a beautiful mind. Those meat cameras, one of which is flanked by a raised eyebrow that says, “I’m an intellectual, but I’m also a little scamp.” It’s a face that tells you everything is OK. Sam Lake will save you. Sam Lake will hold you tight and write stories for you about evil refrigerators. He will say this to you with a cheeky grin that creates a dimple you just want to smush. He will say it without even saying it. His face is home. And home (his face) is where my heart is.
Best Podcast - GLHF's Game and Fortune
The votes are in and I'm a little embarrassed because I didn't prepare an acceptance speech.
GLHF
The best podcast of the year goes to GLHF’s Game and Fortune, a quiz show about games where we grill special guests and think about death. Nominated by GLHF. (Disclaimer: the jury consists of GLHF members. Only GLHF members). Please listen to our award-winning podcast.
